7 reasons why making friends is hard (and why it’s getting harder)

Feeling lonely on the weekend?

On a given weekend, do you find yourself either 1.) alone or 2.) with people you don’t feel a connection to?  Does finding new friends in your city feel like one of those needle-in-the-haystack situations? Does maintaining existing friendships feel like swimming upstream at Niagara Falls?  

It’s not just you feeling this strain: the data shows a clear downward trend in Americans’ ability to make and keep friends. According to the American Perspectives Survey, the percentage of U.S. adults who report having no close friends has quadrupled since 1990 (now at 12%), and the number of people with ten or more close friends is a third of what it used to be.  

More than two-thirds of Americans believe loneliness is increasing in society, and many report being less satisfied with their friendships than they were five years ago.  

The world is having a moment right now.  

The Data Explains What’s Happening—But I’m More Interested in Why  

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult today? Are we really as broken as we feel, or is something more going on under the surface?

On this count, I have good news and bad news. The good news: It’s not just you. There are real structural and societal factors at play—things that are beyond the control of any one person (yes, even Mark Zuckerberg).  

The bad news: They’re... beyond your control.

It’s easy to point the finger at social media, and while that’s part of the picture, the truth runs much deeper. What we’re experiencing is the result of overlapping shifts in our culture, technology, economy, and built environment.  These are trends we have to live with—but understanding them is the first step to adapting.

7 Structural Shifts That Are Making Friendship Harder

🏠 1. We Move More—And Start Over Constantly  

People relocate more than ever—for school, work, or, post-COVID, because they’d rather live on a beach than in NYC.  According to the U.S. Census, over 40% of Americans have moved in the past five years.  Moves are hard on friendships: starting over with new people is daunting, and maintaining long-distance friendships takes a completely different set of skills. Whether you’re moving or your friends are, this revolving door can feel exhausting and discouraging.

📱 2. Social Media Has Rewired How We Connect  

It’s easier than ever to stay in touch—but harder than ever to feel connected. On social media, liking posts and sending emojis gives the illusion of closeness without the cost of intimacy. (Here’s a great TED Talk from Sherry Turkle if you want to dive deeper.) The issue isn’t that social media exists—it’s that it often becomes the default method of interaction, instead of one tool among many.

Also: social media is really fun. And a lot of very rich people have spent a lot of money to make it that way. Compared with the awkwardness of calling a new friend, or the inconvenience of stopping by to say hi, it’s clear which option wins most of the time.  

🧑💼 3. Work Is Consuming Our Lives  

Work-life balance is more elusive than ever. Work hours are up, wages are stagnant, and hustle culture is glorified. Americans in particular work an average of 1,799 hours per year—that’s 182 more than our European peers. Many juggle multiple jobs, and few take their full vacation time. This time poverty means friendship is often the first thing to fall off the priority list. Time is a real luxury, but as Ann Helen Petersen writes, "it's also a matter of priorities."

There’s also more complexity with work: it's become central to identity. Ask someone what they “do,” and they’ll usually lead with their job—not their interests, values, or community roles. That makes sense—after all, work is what keeps a roof overhead. But in the lifelong search for meaning, if we stop at employment, life becomes pretty monochromatic. This tradeoff often leaves us feeling accomplished... but deeply disconnected.

🏘️ 4. Community Institutions Are Declining  

Churches, civic groups, bowling leagues, PTAs—many of the institutions that once created natural spaces for friendship are shrinking or disappearing.  Sociologist Robert Putnam famously coined the phrase “bowling alone” to describe this shift.  These institutions once gave us shared purpose, face-to-face contact, and a chance to meet like-minded people organically. With fewer of them around, finding those kinds of bonds requires more effort and intentionality.

🏡 5. Our Cities Are Built for Isolation  

Suburban sprawl, gated communities, and digital convenience have created a world where we rarely just run into each other.  

No sidewalks = no chance meetings.  

No town squares = no shared spaces.  

Remote work = no offices = fewer work friendships

Delivery culture = no reason to leave the house if you don’t want to.  

I love the convenience of uber eats or WFH as much as the next person, but a frictionless and contactless life is a recipe for isolation.

🧠 6. Culture Prioritizes the Individual Over the Community  

We live in a self-optimization culture. The message is: If you’ve got WiFi and hustle, you can become a millionaire, an influencer, or a thought leader from your living room. Be your best self. Build your brand. Maximize your productivity!

All of this is fine—in moderation. But it can run counter to what real friendship requires: slowing down, consistently showing up in person, being flexible, and being vulnerable. When personal development becomes a solo journey, relationships fade into the background.

🧬 7. Millennials and Gen Z Are in Survival Mode  

Younger generations are facing record levels of student debt, housing insecurity, and economic instability. For many, there’s just not enough margin—emotionally, financially, or energetically—to invest in friendships.  

Also, in a great irony, Gen Z and Millennials are the most digitally connected generations in history. And yet, they also report the deepest longing for real connection.  There's something to that. They want friendship. They just don’t know how—or where—to build it.

So What Do We Do About It?

Yes, this is hard. But there’s a path forward.  Awareness is the first step. Seeing how cultural forces are shaping your choices helps you reclaim control.  Because all these systems represent the path of least resistance, forming meaningful relationships today requires intentional effort.  

But the payoff is worth it. According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, strong relationships are the single most important factor in long-term happiness and wellbeing—more important than wealth, diet, or even exercise.