Beyond Bumble BFF: What you might be missing about adult friendships

Typical Friendship Advice for Adults

- Join a local meetup group, running club, book club, or church  

- Download a friendship app like Bumble BFF to find like-minded people  

- Strike up a conversation at your favorite coffee shop  

- Ask a friend to help you find more friends  

- Stay positive 

Sound familiar? The problem here is that any of these are inherently bad ideas (or were generated by ChatGPT…)—but they all focus on friendship discovery, not friendship development. Telling someone to “just join a group” is like saying the key to living a meaningful life is simply being born. That’s not cutting it.

The Real Challenge

The real challenge adults face in forming deep, lasting friendships isn’t finding people. It’s knowing what to do next. From friendship writer and expert, Shasta Nelson, “We don’t need better friends; We need better friendships.”  That magical moment of connection when you meet someone might get things started, but it’s not what sustains a friendship over time. Nelson explains that friendship is “a pattern two people have in practicing the positive behaviors of friendship.”  

This is going to require effort, emotional availability, and consistency.

Look Beyond the Apps

Any app, blog post, or friendship-building tool that is promising quick fixes or focuses solely on initial connections without addressing the deeper work of relationship maintenance is missing the point. Friendship isn’t a destination you arrive at; it’s an active process you show up for.  

So if you’re struggling to make friends in adulthood, the issue may not be where you’re looking—but how you’re thinking about the journey itself. Don’t panic if you’ve tried some things and you don’t have a squad yet. This is one of those things that can’t be rushed but is worth the wait.

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